I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
