So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
