My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
