I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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