someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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