I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
