Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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