Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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