I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
