he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
