dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
