Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
