u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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