i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
