It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize