Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
