when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
