mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
