after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize