Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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