Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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