why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
