I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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