I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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