Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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