If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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