I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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