My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
