What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
