when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
These tits shall not be calmed
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
