how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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