i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
