Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize