How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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