I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish my penis had an off switch
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
