there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
