Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you win again, gameday.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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