please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize