two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
