my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
