I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Panties = found
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
