this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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