Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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