Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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