I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your penis caused this!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
