My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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