You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
