Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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