The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
