We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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