i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize