I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
