White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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