and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
